The new holiday spirit: E‑commerce

The new holiday spirit: E‑commerce

Photo by Pickawood on Unsplash

Originally published 29 November 1999

Folks, don’t get up from your chair. Don’t click that remote to change the chan­nel. The next item we are offer­ing on the Shop-Till-You-Drop Net­work will change your life. This next item is some­thing absolute­ly every­one out there will absolute­ly want to own.”

Mike, this next item is some­thing that our view­ers can­not afford not to own.”

That’s absolute­ly right, Cathy. I can’t recall any item we have offered that has gen­er­at­ed so much inter­est. Here it is, folks. Our new Shop-Till-You-Drop.com inter­net shop­ping soft­ware. It’s called My Per­son­al Shop­per. Let the cam­era move in here. That’s right. Pop this snap­py CD-ROM into your com­put­er and you need nev­er again miss a bargain.”

That’s right, Mike. My Per­son­al Shop­per will do your shop­ping for you. I know many, many of our view­ers hate to fall asleep at night because they are afraid they will miss one of our fab­u­lous spe­cial offers. Or they spend the whole day at work won­der­ing what fan­tas­tic sav­ings they are miss­ing on the Shop-Till-You-Drop Net­work. My Per­son­al Shop­per will put their minds at ease.”

That’s right, Cathy. My Per­son­al Shop­per con­tin­u­ous­ly mon­i­tors our Shop-Till-You-Drop web­site, and our tele­vi­sion net­work too. It will watch for the items you like to buy and make those pur­chas­es for you, even if you are at work or asleep.”

That’s right, Mike. When you start up My Per­son­al Shop­per for the first time, the pro­gram will ask you ques­tions about your lifestyle, your likes and dis­likes, your favorite col­ors, and — oh, gol­ly — almost every­thing. Then it cre­ates for you a vir­tu­al self…”

A vir­tu­al self?”

That’s right, Mike, a vir­tu­al self that will cruise the Shop-Till-You-Drop web­site in a cease­less, excit­ing search for sales, deals, dis­counts, and spe­cial pro­mo­tions on those items you love to own. Twen­ty-four hours a day, sev­en days a week. If you wish, the pro­gram will surf the World Wide Web look­ing for a bet­ter offer, and if it finds one, we will match it.”

That’s unbe­liev­able!”

It cer­tain­ly is, Mike. And here’s the best part. What would you expect to pay for a pro­gram like My Per­son­al Shop­per. Two hun­dred dol­lars? $300? My Per­son­al Shop­per can be yours for only $99.99.”

That’s unbe­liev­able. Just $99.99! You know, Cathy, this is a case where tech­nol­o­gy ris­es to meet a great Amer­i­can need. Shop­ping is what makes this coun­try great, and My Per­son­al Shop­per will insure that no one need ever again miss one of our unbe­liev­able bar­gains on, say, a zir­co­ni­um bracelet or a set of fresh­ly mint­ed coins. Or Beanie Babies, or Poké­mons. I mean, this soft­ware will pay for itself in no time.”

That is cor­rect, Mike. And the phones are start­ing to ring off the hooks.”

Remem­ber, folks, if you are on the phones, we’ll get to you.”

That’s anoth­er advan­tage of My Per­son­al Shop­per, Mike. The pro­gram will do your shop­ping for you. Just let it know what is the max­i­mum you wish to spend in, say, a week, and you’ll nev­er have to wait on our phone lines again. Those Turk­ish car­pets and col­lectible samu­rai swords will arrive at your doorstep with­out your every hav­ing to lift a finger.”

Yes, this is an absolute­ly phe­nom­e­nal offer, Cathy. Do not wait, do not hes­i­tate. Pick up that phone right now and get in on this life-chang­ing new tech­nol­o­gy. In tech­ni­cal terms, Cathy, this is the whole kit and kaboodle.”

You are absolute­ly cor­rect, Mike. Amer­i­cans are present­ly spend­ing tens of bil­lions of dol­lars every year on-line, and the amount is dou­bling every year. If the growth rate con­tin­ues, in 10 years Amer­i­cans will spend $6 tril­lion on inter­net Christ­mas shop­ping alone! More than the cur­rent Gross Domes­tic Product.”

I was going to say, that’s more than the nation­al budget.”

That’s right, Mike. And speak­ing of Christ­mas, what could more per­fect­ly cap­ture the spir­it of Christ­mas than giv­ing a copy of My Per­son­al Shop­per to a friend. Maybe you’ll want to send My Per­son­al Shop­per to all of your friends. I can’t imag­ine a more wel­come Christ­mas gift.”

I don’t think there is any doubt about it, Cathy. Inter­net shop­ping is the ghost of Christ­mas future, if I may coin a phrase. Move over Amazon.com. Move over eBay. Move over eToy. The Shop-Till-You-Drop Net­work and Shop-Till-You-Drop web­site will change the way Amer­i­can’s cel­e­brate this most quin­tes­sen­tial­ly Amer­i­can holiday.”

It’s tech­nol­o­gy at its best, Mike. It just does­n’t get any bet­ter than this.”

Oh, absolute­ly. Just lis­ten to those phones ring. These things are fly­ing out of here.”

Mike, there’s some­thing else about My Per­son­al Shop­per that you for­got to men­tion. The pro­gram has a spe­cial fea­ture that allows you to make Shop-Till-You-Drop, Inc. your legal heir. If you die, your estate will be placed in a spe­cial account, and your vir­tu­al self can go on shop­ping until the account is deplet­ed, or indef­i­nite­ly if it spends only the inter­est. Not even death need inter­rupt your shopping.”

Gol­ly, Cathy, shop­ping immor­tal­i­ty! What could be more Christ­masy than that?”


In Q4 of 1999, when this essay was first pub­lished, E‑commerce spend­ing in the Unit­ed States was esti­mat­ed at $5.3 bil­lion. By Q4 of 2020, it had grown to $206 bil­lion. ‑Ed.

Share this Musing: