Originally published 24 July 1995
Dear Mr. Computer,
All of my friends are urging me to buy a “screen saver” for my computer; you know, one of those constantly changing images of flying toasters or bubbling fish. But it seems to me that the best way to save my screen is to turn it off. What do you think?
R.Z.
Lexington
Dear R.Z.,
Screen savers have nothing to do with saving screens. They are a status symbol, a way to demonstrate that you are on the cutting edge of trendy. Toasters and fish no longer make the grade. Famous works of art are OK, but fading fast. Try a screen-saver program that lets you scan in color photographs of yourself, preferably in exotic locations with beautiful people.
Dear Mr. Computer,
I thought computers were supposed to make books obsolete. My local bookstore has shelf after shelf of books on computers. They are taking over the store. I can hardly find a good novel.
E.W.
Dorchester
Dear E.W.,
I recommend that you buy my book, How to Get Along in the Paperless Society. You will find it at your local bookstore.
Dear Mr. Computer,
After 33 years of marital bliss, my husband Jack has found another love. He spends all his time in his basement office with his new IBM Aptiva multimedia computer. I hardly ever see him. Is there any hope for our marriage?
P.L.
Rockport
Dear P.L.,
I get queries like yours all the time. There is only one way to re-establish a satisfying relationship with your husband. Buy your own computer with a modem. Communicate with Jack online. Agree to meet in some romantic place on the Internet. It’s the perfect way to rekindle the old flame.
Dear Mr. Computer,
When I bought my PowerBook 170 a few years ago, I thought 40 megabytes of hard drive memory was more than I could ever use. Now it’s crammed, and I’m thinking of upgrading to new machine. How much hard drive memory should I spring for?
M.M.
Pawtucket, R.I.
Dear M.M.,
Software developers will fill up whatever’s there; hardware developers hope so. That way both encourage obsolescence. I would go for the most capacious laptop drive available, currently approaching 1 gigabyte. You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much memory.
Dear Mr. Computer,
If only I could get organized, then I would have more time for the important things in life. There are so many personal organizer software packages on the market. Can you recommend one?
G.R.
Manchester, N.H.
Dear G.R.,
Sidekick is good. So is ClarisOrganizer. But don’t expect that these programs will set you free. Staying organized takes time. Personal Information Managers (PIMs) — or “personal organizers,” as you call them — are basically for people who think that using a computer is the important thing in life.
Dear Mr. Computer,
My job requires that I spend many hours sitting in front of my computer terminal. I worry that I’m not getting enough exercise. Any suggestions?
P.P.
Brockton
Dear P.P.,
You could take up golf. I would recommend PerfectSwing Golf by Ditzy Software. Or if that’s not energetic enough, try jogging. An outstanding program that will let you train for the marathon is SimJog by Megabits.
Dear Mr. Computer,
I met this really cool guy at an Internet mixer in cyberspace. We got on really great. Now we are talking about getting intimate, and I asked him to download a photo. What a hunk! The thing is, the photo is in Adobe Photoshop format. How can I be sure that he has not retouched his pix? I mean, really?
T.F.
Portland, Maine
Dear T. F.,
I think you miss the point about virtual sex. As long as you are doing it in cyberspace, you might as well do it with a “hunk.”
Dear Mr. Computer,
Help! I’m drowning in manuals. Manuals for my computer, my modem, my printer, my scanner. Manuals for 50 different software packages. The are crowding me out of my office. What am I to do?
R. McH.
Woods Hole
Dear R. McH.,
I recommend that you buy my book, How to Get Along in the Paperless Society. You will find it at your local bookstore.
